Monday, December 10, 2012
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Tooth Fairy
Garett got kind of sassy with the Tooth Fairy when he didn't receive what he considered proper compensation. In all fairness, he wasn't compensated at all. But the Tooth Fairy has been very busy. Give the Tooth Fairy a break!
Since Garett started throwing his weight around demanding his usual $1 per tooth and demanding the Tooth Fairy pay $1 per day for every day the Tooth Fairy delayed payment, he got a note from the Tooth Fairy. Here it is.
Dear Garett,
Thank you ever so much for your sincere and heart felt critique of me, the Tooth Freaking Fairy. I can't tell you how much it pains me to know that you're unhappy with the speed with which I replace your nasty, detached tooth with valuable currency.
Oh wait. Yes I can. NOT VERY MUCH!
Do you have any idea how busy I am?? People are loosing teeth left and right! Have you studied census data lately!? Sure, this was a pretty sweet gig in the early 1900's. There were about 80 million people in this country back then. Many had lost teeth before immigrating (no cost to me). And those that lost teeth here were thrilled with a penny. I could take my time getting from house to house, and keep people happy on the cheap.
But now? Now? Now we have nearly 320 million people in this country. That's 4 times as many people! And now people expect a full dollar per tooth!! That's 100 times more expensive! And it's not just more houses to visit and higher expenses per tooth. People lock their windows, have yappy dogs – and don't get me started on modern security systems! My job is harder than ever. Combine that with the cartilage damage in my wings, and I have a hard time mustering much sympathy in response to your complaint!!
But you know what they say - the customer is always right. If I don't make you happy, you'll just take your business elsewhere.
Oh wait. Just where exactly is ELSE in this case??? Who else is going to give you money for that germ covered chicklet? Do I have competition here?? No!! And do you know why I don't have any competition? Because as it turns out, this is a pretty crappy investment! For decades I've been trying to figure out how to make money from these used teeth. But I can find no use, and there is absolutely no aftermarket for these things. I'm deep in debt on this deal, and my creditors are becoming impatient. I'd change careers if I could, but my resume is not terribly attractive. I break into houses, steal bio-hazard, and leave a little something under the pillow in the kids' bedroom. With that resume, I can't even get an interview with a respectable accounting firm – and I don't even want to be an accountant!!
So go ahead, take you business elsewhere if you like. It won't break my heart. But tonight, because I'm a total fairy, I'll take the nasty, useless tooth that your body rejected, and I'll give you two dollars – two dollars that I could use to buy a bean burrito at Taco Bell (my favorite – I love farting just as I sneak out of bedrooms).
Hopefully the $2 satisfies.
Love,
The Tooth Fairy
